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Running Lean with Patrick McGilvray

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8. How to Change Your Past

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Most of our problems are created because we're trying to change something about our past. We cause ourselves so much unnecessary stress and anxiety because we are constantly ruminating about past …

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Podcast Transcript

My name is Patrick McGilvray, and I’m an experienced marathoner, ultra runner, running coach and mindset expert. I believe mindset is the most powerful and most underrated tool you have as a runner. So I’ve devoted my life to helping runners like you develop the mindset you need to fuel your inner fire and become the badass runner you were meant to be. This is The Running Mind podcast.

Hey there, and welcome to The Running Mind podcast. My name is Patrick McGilvray. And I’m your host, and I’m the life coach for runners, I help you get better results from your running and from your life in general. And I’m really excited about an upcoming event I’m doing. It’s a three day challenge called How To Solve Any Problem.

And it’s totally free, you’re going to learn how to solve literally any problem that’s on your mind, big or small, earth shattering or just annoying. It might be something from your past that keeps coming up or something that’s just bugging the crap out of you right now. It couldn’t be running related or not.

Here’s the thing, you don’t have to keep struggling with those same old problems, you can end the anxiety and start feeling excited about things in your life. Again, whatever it is that you’re struggling with, just know that there is a solution. And I’ll show you exactly how to do it. This is going to be a fun, interactive challenge. And it all starts on Monday, March 9 2020.

I’ll be holding class in a private Facebook group, but you have to sign up in order to get in. Just go to innerfiretribe.com/challenge to save your spot. You’re gonna get live coaching and training with me, your master life and success coach. And you can ask me anything I know, there’s probably something on your mind right now that you want help with. And you’re like, I would love to ask Patrick this question.

Well, guess what? You can do it, I’d be happy to help you with that. You can also access the live trainings after the fact. So you don’t have to actually be in the live group and listen to the live trainings, you can go back and listen to them afterwards. But the most benefit you’re gonna get out of it is if you participate in the live trainings, okay.

And I’m calling this a challenge, because here’s the fact most people do not take action. Most people want something to change in their life, but they’re not willing to do anything different. Think about that. It’s crazy. So my challenge for you is to show up and do the work. Do it for yourself. Because you know what, you deserve this.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have more confidence, you deserve to have inner peace. You deserve to feel good about yourself for a change. So when you learn how to solve any problem that you may be experiencing now or in the future, you get to have all of that. Just go to innerfiretribe.com/challenge to sign up. I can’t wait to see you there. It’s gonna be so much fun.

All right, cool. Onto today’s topic, how to change your past. Now that title, I hope it grabbed your attention. Because we’re going to get into this today. One of the biggest ways that I see people get stuck and feel like they’re stuck is they ruminate about the past. They keep thinking about past events over and over and over again. Things that they did, things that they wish they had done, things they wish they had done differently. These could be past experiences, past events, it could be past heartaches, it could be people who have hurt us in the past, how we’ve hurt others failures, we’ve made mistakes we’ve made. The list goes on and on and on.

And we think about these events, and we replay them over and over and over and over again. And if this is you, if this sounds like you, welcome to the human race. We all do this. It’s very, very common. It’s part of the human experience. You know, we’ve evolved to learn from our mistakes, you know, we’ve evolved to learn that if we touch fire, it will burn us or stay away from that one animal because it will eat you or Hey, Jim, don’t eat those berries. You know, like we learn from the past and it’s good that we’ve evolved to learn from the past.

And you know, learning from the past and keeping those memories in our subconscious minds. It serves a purpose: it has helped us to survive as a species. So that’s all good. The problem, though, is that today, it’s really not necessary to keep ruminating about every past event that has ever happened to us in order to survive. We still do it though.

And here’s a few things that happen to us when we keep ruminating on the past. And we keep stewing about past events. Subconsciously, we’re reliving that event over and over and over again in our imagination. And here’s something interesting about the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real, and what’s imagined. So when we really relive a past event in our imagination, our subconscious mind is like, oh, yeah, hey, here we are, again, let’s get the body all stressed out, let’s, let’s feel those feelings again, let’s feel the guilt and the sadness and that frustration.

And what happens is, we feel all those old feelings again, we feel the old guilt, or the shame or the disappointment, we feel the worthlessness that we felt five years ago, or, you know, five days ago, or 30 years ago, we feel it as if it’s happening now, we are really good at using our imagination to fill ourselves with stress and anxiety. And we do this all the time, we beat ourselves up over and over again. This does not sound good.

I’m going to say that most of our problems are created because we’re trying to change something about the past, we’re resisting the past in some way. Most of our problems are created because there’s something about our past that we are in conflict with, and that we’re resisting. Most people cause themselves so much unnecessary stress and anxiety because they’re trying to change something about their past or they wish their past had been different.

If only I had done this things would be different. If only I had said this, finally, I hadn’t said that. And if you take this one step further, I say that most of our problems are created by us because we are just resisting, not just the past, but we’re resisting what is. We’re actually resisting the way things are. You know, if my wife would only talk to me this way, if my boss would only treat me like this, if only I trained harder for that last marathon.

Whatever it is we’re doing, we are resisting what is we’re resisting, accepting the way things are? Or the way things were the way things happened? Because what’s happened in the past has happened. And it’s over and done with. Okay, how well does it usually work for you? When you try to change something that’s outside of yourself, really, it doesn’t work ever. And your past is part of that; it’s no longer inside you. It’s no longer a part of who you are. It’s way in the past, it’s over and done with history.

You cannot change what’s happened in the past. And you cannot change most of what’s happening around you right now in the present. You know, I have no control over what the driver in front of me does on the highway. I have no control over what people think about me or say about me.

I have no control over how fast I ran my last race because it’s out of my hands now. Okay, during my last marathon, if I didn’t like my time, I had control over that while I was in that moment. But as soon as that moment is over the control I have over that is gone. It does me no good to keep thinking about oh, I should have changed my training or you know, done my nutrition differently, or if only I’d done you know, we can go on and on and on.

And what happens is we put ourselves into that state of stress. So you’re probably thinking like, Oh, I thought you said this podcast was titled How To Change Your Past and you just said you can’t change the past, what the hell, Patrick? Stick with me here. But you probably already knew that you can’t change the past right? So just be honest, though, you can own that one right now. Okay.

But think about this: when you think about the past, where does that live? It lives in your imagination. Everything that’s ever happened in the past exists in our mind. You know, it lives and breathes in our thoughts about it. And not only in our conscious mind, but in our subconscious mind.

So we can’t go back in time to physically change the events of the past. But here’s what we can do. We can change what they mean to us today, we can change how those past events affect us today. We can change how we think about those events today. So we go back to the past in our minds all the time. But what do we do so we can change the way we think about the past today?

In fact, there are no past thoughts. There are no there’s no past thinking anything you’re thinking about today, is current thinking. If you’re thinking a thought right now, even though it’s a thought about the past, it’s current thinking, it’s a current thought about a past experience.

Okay, so it’s not like, oh, these thoughts from my past keep coming up. No, this is you thinking about that today. Okay. So you might have a thought that you continue to think over and over and over again for years and decades even. But if it’s on your mind, right now, it’s a current thought.

So even though, you know, I had some friends that treated me like crap in, you know, seventh grade, I can still, I can go back to that moment right now and feel hurt all over again, if I choose to. Here’s another example. A few years ago, I was doing this 50k trail series, the Ohio River Road Runners 200k No Way series.

And here’s the deal, you are supposed to complete 4 50ks over one season over one summer. And I had done three of them. So I just needed to finish that last one. So we start the race. And the race is called Broken Toe 50k. And the name of this race is no joke, because there are lots of routes, lots of rocks, lots of people tripping and falling. Well, I tripped and fell at like mile one, we started on like a gravel pathway.

And then we headed into the trail into a single track trail. And as soon as I got onto the trail, I maybe went and 50 feet tripped, fell and bloodied up my knee. My knee was jacked up, okay, it got swollen. And it was one of those things where I’m like, I’m gonna run it off. Well, I’m gonna walk it off. So I started walking.

And then I was like, I don’t know about this. And I could run a little bit. And eventually I got to the point where I could run and it was okay, it still hurt, but it was okay. Well, it kept getting like more and more swollen as the race went on. And it kept getting more and more painful. And finally, I had, I got to a point at like, mile 21, where I could barely bend my leg anymore. And I had like four or five miles to go. So I had to walk like five miles back to the aid station.

So I got to mile 26. And I had to stop. I couldn’t bend my leg. And I was in so much pain. Walking was terribly painful. I had to stop because it was the only race I’ve ever DNF. And I go back to that over and over again. Like, what if I didn’t trip? What if I had stepped two inches to the left? What if I, you know, what if I wasn’t as tired? Maybe I know, what if I had gotten more sleep the night before? What if I had started a little bit slower?

Like I can drive myself crazy thinking about what could have been. And in my mind I’m like, trying to resist what I really wanted to do that 200k thing, you know, just for the sheer fact of like, being able to say I did it, and I couldn’t eke it out, you know what I mean? And I keep trying to change that. But no matter what I do, or how I think about it, the results are never going to change. They’re exactly the same. I did not finish that race. I did not get to the 200k.

So when I think about it, I keep feeling disappointed. I keep feeling frustrated. I keep feeling bummed out. I feel like a failure. Okay. So I think these thoughts and this is years later, by the way, and when I think those thoughts, in the moment I get frustrated all over again, I feel bummed out all over again. And I feel like a failure all over again.

Why am I feeling like a failure today over some stupid trail race that I did a bunch of years ago? It’s crazy, right? Isn’t this crazy thinking? I know, you’re saying, Patrick, that is crazy thinking, but you do it and we do it all the time. Substitute this trail race for any other experience that, you know, causes you to feel pain today.

So, listen, if you’re suffering, the suffering that you experience inside, it’s almost all self induced, because we are incessantly trying to change the past. And when we can’t, we’re in conflict, we’re in turmoil, there’s inner conflict, internal turmoil, and it produces all these unwanted emotions. And if you’ve been listening to the podcast, I talk about problems, the problems we have are actually just unwanted emotions. We don’t want to feel those feelings.

You know, if we feel feelings of like joy and happiness, we’re like, cool, I’m good with that. But if there’s feelings of like, shame and guilt, or unworthiness, then we don’t want to feel those. And so we label that as being a problem. But what happens is, we keep looping through the trying to change the past, we keep looping through that, and we stay stuck, we stay in conflict, we stay in turmoil.

And we think, well, that’s just the way it is. There’s nothing I can do about that. This is just how I am, this is how I’m wired. I’ve heard people say that I’m just wired that way. It’s not true. You know, you may have some habits about how you think and how you feel. But you know, you’re not necessarily wired that way. Like you can, you can rewire, you can reprogram your mind and your subconscious mind, especially.

So I think that for most of us, a shift in our thinking is all we need to do to change the way we feel about some past events. Okay, it’s very powerful. Now, there may be some past events that are traumatic, you know, if you’ve, if you’ve gone through some certain kinds of traumas, too. Capital T traumas, you know, professional help may be required for that.

But for most of us, I think just shifting our thinking a little bit, can work wonders. So here’s the part you’ve been waiting for: how to change your past. So this is a writing exercise, most of the work that I do with my clients is writing, you know, we talk through a lot of stuff. But writing is so important when you write by hand and not typing into a computer, but when you sit down with a notebook, and you write by hand, it ingrains the ideas and the words and the thoughts and the feelings that ingrain them into your subconscious mind.

And you can look back over the things that you’re that you’ve written down, and you can see, these things will pop out at you. Whereas if you’re just thinking about this stuff, those thoughts will come and go, like clouds floating across the sky, they come in, they go, and then they’re gone. You want to write this stuff down.

Okay, so any of the work that we do, typically, we’re writing by hand, okay, you’ll want to reference it to you’ll want to go back and look through it. So this is a writing exercise. And here give yourself the gift of time to do this work. It may seem simple, it may seem like oh, Patrick, this seems pretty simple, but it is life changing work. Okay. It’s very powerful stuff.

And here’s how you do it. You get quiet, maybe even close your eyes. And I want you to think about that past event. If you’re driving right now, do not close your eyes. But think about that past event. Go back there now, get into it. What do you see? What do you hear? And especially like, what do you feel? And it may feel uncomfortable, but get into it. You’re going to feel those old feelings right now. And if you do, that’s good. That means if you feel those feelings right now, that’s good, because it means it’s all in your head. Okay? The actual event is not happening right now. Yet you are feeling those same exact feelings. So it’s all in your mind.

So write down those feelings, those one word emotional feelings, like I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m guilty, I’m hurt. I’m worthless. I feel enraged. Whatever it is. This is so important that you write down the feelings you’re feeling and you get in touch with whatever it is you’re feeling right here in this moment. Okay, so write down those feelings.

And then next, just do a complete thought download of everything you’re thinking about that past event, okay? Just get it all down. Just don’t censor it, don’t leave anything out, just dump it all out on the page. And it should be ugly, it should be petty, it may sound ridiculous, whatever it is, it does not matter. Write down all those crazy, obscure thoughts, whatever it is, wherever you’re thinking about that event, just write it all down.

And once you’ve got it down on paper, and this is why it’s so important to write it down, you’re going to go through all those thoughts that you’ve been thinking about that event, and you’re going to see if you can identify a few thoughts that are causing those unwanted feelings, circling them, write them on a separate sheet, whatever, but underlying them, right, you know, capture a few of those thoughts that are causing those feelings.

And you’ll know it because when you start reading through all your thoughts, you’ll, a couple of those thoughts, as you read them are going to stir up some emotional response inside you, you’ll get that tingling sensation inside that vibration inside your body. That’s a feeling that’s an emotion, that tingling sensation, that’s your emotions.

Okay, so you’re gonna identify a couple of the thoughts that are causing those feelings, okay. And now, for each of those thoughts that you’ve identified, the ones that are causing you to feel something you don’t want to feel. Answering this question is a very, very powerful question. Who am I, without this thought? Who am I? If I didn’t have this thought, if I didn’t think this thought, if this thought were gone, if I no longer believed this thought to be true, who would I be? Pow.

That is a powerful, powerful question. To go back to that past event again. Now, without that thought, how does it feel different? What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel now? What do you do? How do you act? How are you showing up for others and for yourself? And what do you believe about yourself?

Now, if you do this work, if you really spend time to go back to your past, without the thoughts that are causing you to suffer internally, you can change the past, the entire meaning of that event changes, the emotional charge around that event melts away the unwanted feelings, they’re suddenly miraculously gone. So it may take a little bit of time to develop some new thoughts and feelings about your past. And this is why we write these things down.

And we write down the ways we want to think, feel and act instead. So that we can then read them every day, we want to ingrain those new thoughts into our subconscious, so they become a habit. And when we do this, we’re actually creating new neural pathways in our subconscious mind. We can actually reprogram our subconscious to believe new beliefs about that event, and about ourselves. We can reprogram our subconscious to believe new beliefs about ourselves and about that past event. And so in your mind, you have effectively changed the past.

I really encourage you to do this exercise. It is amazing and powerful. Okay, so think about that past event, that one thing that’s causing you that internal turmoil, that conflict, do the work around it. I think you’re going to be amazed. And don’t forget to sign up for my upcoming three day challenge on how to solve any problem.

And listen, people who take action, people who do the work, those are the people who actually get results, people that listen to the podcast or show up in a training like this. And they just kind of show up and hang out. They might get something out of it. But I’m calling this a challenge because most people will not take action, will not take action.

And I’m putting this out there because I want to challenge you, my runners, my people, the people who love challenges. I want to challenge you to show up and do the work on yourself. It’s not hard work. It’s not like running back to back 20 milers, you’ve done way harder things and honestly this requires you to do some thinking and some writing and to be open to changing the way you’ve been doing things.

So it’s like three days of mindset training, it’s totally free. There’s nothing to lose here at all. The worst thing that could happen is maybe you learn a little bit more about yourself. You know, maybe you feel a little bit better about yourself. Just go to innerfiretribe.com/challenge and sign up. And as always, I want you to reach out to me with questions or comments, you can email me at hello@innerfiretribe.com I’d love to hear what you think about this topic. I’d actually love to hear one takeaway that you got out of this today. You can hit me up on the socials @pmcgilvrayatinnerfiretribe. I hope you all have an amazing day much love to each and every one of you, my runners.

Did you know that most runners fail to reach their goals? It’s not because of lack of training, lack of desire, whether it’s running faster or running farther, I believe most runners just haven’t developed the mental toughness they need to get them across the finish line. That’s why I created a step by step training called How to Build Mental Toughness and Become A Badass Runner. I want to show you how to train your mind so you can tough it out when the going gets tough. And the best part, this comprehensive training is yours absolutely free. To get it right now just go to innerfiretribe.com/badass and get started today.

5. Your Problems Are All in Your Head

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Today on the podcast, I talk about how ALL of your problems are actually created by your thoughts. You can't have a problem unless there's a thought and an unwanted feeling about something. The …

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Podcast Transcript

My name is Patrick McGilvray, and I’m an experienced marathoner, ultra runner, running coach and mindset expert. I believe mindset is the most powerful and most underrated tool you have as a runner. So I’ve devoted my life to helping runners like you develop the mindset you need to fuel your inner fire and become the badass runner you were meant to be. This is The Running Mind podcast.

Well, hello there. And welcome back to the podcast. My name is Patrick McGilvray. And today, I’ve got kind of a different kind of episode for you. Today, I’m going to do more of a teaching episode. Now, I’ve been doing interviews up to this point. And I will continue to do interviews because I love hearing stories from real runners. And to hear how they have developed the kind of mindset they need to do amazing things. So that’s gonna continue for sure.

But every now and then I want to throw in an episode like we’re going to do today, I’m going to introduce you to some concepts, some that you may or may not have heard of. Some like today that you, I don’t know, you may or may not agree with me.

But I’m a board certified Master Life and Success Coach. And what does that mean? That means I help people get what they want in life, I help them to overcome their limitations. I help them to resolve inner conflicts, I help people to really become the best version of themself. And I do that through coaching. And we’re going to talk a little bit about that today.

In this episode, I want to talk a little bit about how I work with clients. But really one of the big, big concepts that I want to introduce you to is that you can start sort of applying to yourself. And that’s about how all your problems are just in your head. And I know you’re thinking like, alright, I need to hear more about this.

But first, let’s talk a little bit about The Runner’s Edge. So I talked about this in a previous episode. This is my group coaching program. And I really didn’t have a name for it. But now I’ve decided I’m going to call it The Runner’s Edge, because this is something that is going to give you an edge, an edge that most people don’t have, okay. They just don’t want to do this kind of work. Or maybe they don’t believe in this kind of work. They don’t believe that mindset has anything to do with running.

But if you’re listening to this podcast you do so you will get the edge that a lot of people won’t. So The Runner’s Edge is a comprehensive online coaching and training program. It’s designed specially to help long distance runners to help you bring your mind and your body into alignment so that you can achieve the results that you want.

When you join The Runner’s Edge, you’re going to get mindset training. So this is where you’re going to train your mind to work for you instead of against you. This is actually one of the most important aspects of running. The problem, though, is that most training plans and most coaches don’t really teach you how to do this.

As a master coach, a master mindset coach, this is all I do. I focus on this. I am the expert on building mental toughness, on using the power of your mind to make running easier for you to make you faster and have more fun running. You will also get online coaching so when you join The Runner’s Edge, you’re gonna get live online coaching, I have a private Facebook group.

And, you know, most group coaching programs that work like this, they have these sort of generic one size fits all content that they share with their members. And I don’t want that, I want to give you results. I want to help you with your individual issues. So you’ll get a chance to ask me questions, you can bring your own questions to the table. You’ll get them answered, and maybe even get on a hot seat call with me for some live one on one coaching. It’s very powerful stuff right there.

So you get that supportive community to the Facebook group, which is a small but mighty group right now, but it’s going to continue to grow and become more powerful and more effective and just a big, supportive, fun community of runners just like you it’s a safe place to ask questions get help learn all about building mental toughness, how to overcome failure, how to gain confidence, and more and more and more.

And then everything I do is archived into a video training library. including all of the coaching and training that I do in the group, but also courses that I create. So I have a course out there right now on goal setting for runners, which is a really cool course all about goal setting, from a mindset standpoint, and from a subconscious mindset standpoint.

So you’re gonna get all the courses that I create, including that one, when you join. And the best part about the runner’s edge is that it will not break your wallet. So you get the mindset training, the video archive library, live online coaching, courses, a supportive community, and it’s all for like less than $1 a day. All right, it’s only $26.2 per month. And it’s a subscription based program, the longer you stay, the more value you’re gonna get out of it.

Because it becomes, it keeps growing. It’ll grow with you. Each week, I’ll be adding new training videos, live coaching sessions and more. There’s no contract, no commitment, you can cancel anytime, without any questions asked. I want to encourage you to get the edge you need to perform at your best and running and in life.

Because this is all about life, you know, running is just a metaphor. Everything you learn here is applicable to running, sure. But more importantly, it’s going to help you in all areas of your life and your business and career and your relationships with your friends and family money and financial stuff with your health and fitness with your personal growth. Get The Runner’s Edge and start becoming the all around best version of yourself. To do that, just go to innerfiretribe.com/coaching or click on the button that says The Runner’s Edge.

Alright, let’s get on to today’s topic. I’m very, very excited to share this with you guys today. And this is all about the problem is all in your head. So let’s kind of start out by just saying this, think about a problem that you’re having right? Now, it can be a big problem, it can be a small problem.

But I want you to just have a problem in your mind as we are talking through this topic today. Because I want you to start thinking about that problem in a different way. Okay, and you will start thinking about it in a different way. But it kind of helps to have something.

So just take a minute and like, kind of think about what’s the problem is that a small, tiny problem, or it could be a big, you know, problem that just driving you crazy and keeping you up at night doesn’t matter. But just think about this problem that you have. Okay.

And then I’m gonna go ahead and talk about this topic and how you may be able to feel differently about this problem by the end of this episode. Okay, cool. So you got that problem in your head, right? So think about that problem. It’s a problem that you want to solve, right? You don’t want this problem anymore anymore, you want it to go away.

So some examples of a problem that people have that I talked to that want to go away could be something like, running is hard. Or I’m too old to run a half marathon, or a full marathon or I’m too old to start running. Or I always bonk.

Every time I run a marathon, I bonk. Or I can never get any faster. So think about that problem you’re having. It can be running related or anything. But know what’s, what’s the problem? What’s your problem? What’s your problem? It’s really a great question, though. I love asking my clients this question, what’s your problem?

Because a lot of times people don’t even know what their problem is. They think they know what their problem is. But it’s really not what the problem is. We’re gonna get into that here in a minute. So here’s something that’s going to blow your mind. A problem isn’t a problem until you make it a problem.

Okay, until you make something into a problem in your head, it’s literally just a situation. It’s just a fact. It’s just a circumstance, okay? It’s not actually a problem until you think certain thoughts about it. That causes certain feelings inside you and usually negative feelings, okay?

I mean, if it caused positive feelings like joy or love, you wouldn’t be a problem, though because our thoughts cause these negative feelings inside us. We label it as a problem, okay? Because we don’t want to feel those feelings. Okay, those are unwanted feelings, feelings. We don’t want to feel their emotions that we don’t want. So a problem isn’t a problem until it causes unwanted emotions inside of us. All right. Right.

And I’m going to break all this down. And you’re gonna very much understand this in a minute here. But I want to give you a little example of how this kind of works. And I love this little analogy, I use it all the time. So if you’ve heard it before, I’m sorry, you’re gonna hear it again.

So, two people are standing on the beach, and they’re both standing by the ocean and looking out over the water. And one of the people standing there is deathly afraid of the ocean, it scares him to death. It causes him anxiety to be there. And to just look at the ocean and just thinking about the ocean causes him, you know, to almost go into a panic attack. To him, the ocean is a dangerous place that should be avoided at all costs. Okay? The person standing right next to him, loves the ocean, loves swimming. In fact, he’s a professional surfer.

So he goes out in the water every single morning and serves for a couple of hours. The ocean to him is a source of happiness, joy and exhilaration and excitement. It’s where he goes to feel calm and peaceful. And the reason he feels that way, is because of the way he thinks about it. Okay.

The other person who thinks the ocean is a dangerous place, had a near drowning experience as a child, nearly drowned in the ocean. And so for him, the ocean is very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Okay? So here’s what we have, we have a situation, we have a circumstance, we have the ocean, okay, the ocean is neutral. It’s just a thing.

Okay, the ocean does not cause emotions or thoughts. The ocean is completely neutral, it’s passive. The two people standing there have different thoughts about the ocean based on their past experiences. And so those thoughts cause feelings inside of them. And so for one person, the feelings of fear and anxiety, and panic and danger, are very, very real, and very powerful.

And for that person, the ocean in his version of reality, the ocean is dangerous. This other person’s feelings of joy and peacefulness, and excitement and happiness. In his version of reality, the ocean is a beautiful thing. And it’s the cause of all joy and happiness in his life. Okay.

Two completely different versions of reality, right? So what is reality? Reality is whatever you say it is. So I love that analogy. It’s just so very, very clear to me about how we see things differently, how we all experience the world differently based on you know, our past experiences and things.

So I want to break this down into some definitions and just kind of give you guys a little bit of, I want to peel back the onion a little bit here and peel back some layers. So you can kind of see how these things work. And see how you can start applying some of these principles to your own thoughts, feelings and problems that you’re experiencing. Okay.

So the first thing I want to do is define what a circumstance is, okay? So a circumstance is just a situation, it’s just a thing. And it’s just the facts. Okay. So in this case, we’re talking about the ocean, it’s just the ocean. It’s just a thing. Okay, it’s neutral. It’s passive.

When we talk about facts, when we talk about a situation, this is something that is going to be true for everyone. Okay, everyone would agree that the sky is blue, okay. Everyone would agree that the ocean causes waves, you know, that the ocean is wet? Okay. Whatever the circumstance is. See, if it can be proven in a court of law, then that’s just facts.

Okay, this marathon is 26.2 miles. I got a cramp in my calf at mile 18 of my last marathon. That is a fact. That is just a circumstance, that is just situation, okay? Doesn’t mean anything. I did not finish my first 50k. Okay, just a fact, just a situation. Okay, I got a flat tire on my way to work this morning. You know, it’s not like, oh, man, my morning sucked. It was terrible. I had a bad day. No, I just got a flat tire. That’s just a fact.

Okay, or like, I weigh 150 pounds. That is just a fact. Okay. So when we’re, when we’re defining what a circumstance is, what a situation is, we want to break it down to just the bare minimum, just the facts. We don’t want to assign meaning to thoughts or anything else to it, we don’t want to interpret things, we just want to see things very clearly for what they are.

If you just did this right here, if you just started to see everything that’s happening in your life, for what it is, as a passive situation, this is going to start to cause some amazing changes in your life. Okay. But there’s more. So the next thing I want to talk about is our thoughts. Okay, so this is where things start to get interesting.

So we can all agree that there are facts that there are things that happen in our lives, okay. But then there are thoughts, we think things about the things happening to us, okay. So when I define thoughts, this is basically like our thinking, our beliefs, these are our values. And a lot of these things are like our filters, okay.

So like our past experiences, are kind of like a filter that one of the filters that we run things through in order to create our thoughts, okay. So our past experiences, our memories, our beliefs, our values, maybe our culture, our family, of origin, our customs, all those things kind of shape, the way that we think, okay, this is why things are so different for everybody.

That’s why the two people standing by the ocean, one person has beautiful experiences and memories of the ocean, other has very scary experiences. Okay, those are different filters that they’re experiencing reality through. And so the way they feel about the ocean is going to be different. Okay, so your thoughts are going to be different, everybody’s thoughts are different, okay?

Your model of the world is going to be different from mine. We can both be sitting at the same time watching the same movie, and have totally different experiences. I’m sure you’ve probably done that before where you sat with somebody at a movie. And you were like, you came out of it. And you’re like, Oh, my God, that was the greatest movie, wasn’t it, in there?

Like I remember going to a concert, I went to a Wilco concert, and Wilco’s an amazing band to see live. And we had like, fifth row, center seats, it was great. I went with like three or four friends of mine. And after the show, we are all sitting around, you know, drinking coffee and talking about how awesome this show was.

And I look over and this one friend just had his arms crossed. And I was like, man, wasn’t that the best show you’ve ever seen? And he was like, I’m like, what were you even in the same theater as us? Well, what is happening here? But it happens all the time.

Or maybe you have siblings and you guys remember a family event? You’re like, remember that Thanksgiving when so and so did this or said that? And they’re like, what are you talking about? Were we even at the same table? That thing’s, I don’t even remember that, you know, I know that happens with me and my family.

But so we all have these different experiences and this way of interpreting reality, okay. And we call that your model of the world. We each have our own model of the world based on our past, our values, our culture, customs, all that stuff, and it’s different for everyone. But your model of the world, this is how you experience reality. Okay?

So it’s actually your thoughts. The thoughts that you have in this moment? are what determine reality for you in this moment. So it’s actually your thoughts, your thinking, that creates your reality. That’s kind of mind blowing. I think this is mind blowing. This blows me away every time I think about it.

Because I’m just sitting here looking at a computer. You know, I’m reading some notes. I’m talking into a microphone. And this version of reality that I’m experiencing right here is, is going to be different for somebody else. If they were sitting right next to me here. It blows me away. This right here is mind blowing. Okay.

But I love this little line, I always hear people say, well, “It is what it is.” And I always counter that with no, it is what you think it is, you know? Because it really is what you think it is. Stuff is not just stuff out there. Okay. I mean, it kind of, I mean, the situation is just a situation. So that is what it is. But reality for you is what you think it is, you create it with your thoughts, okay?

So remember situations, they’re just passive, they’re neutral. They don’t have any meaning at all. It’s our thoughts about a situation that give it meaning. Okay, there’s no meaning to anything. Unless there’s a thought. I’m going to say that again. Because this is another thing that’s blowing my mind right now. I’m blowing my own mind. Talking through this with you.

There’s no meaning to anything unless there’s a thought. So if you get a flat tire on your way to work, it only makes you mad. If there’s a thought about it, that makes you mad. Otherwise, it’s just a neutral situation, it’s just a flat tire. Saying I weigh 150 pounds, it doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s just numbers on a scale. It’s how much this body weighs.

It’s only when we think we should weigh 125 pounds that that number becomes a problem. Seriously, if you get this if you are getting this right now this is one of the most empowering things you will ever learn okay? That a problem is not a problem until we make it a problem. So every problem you have, you are creating.

Okay, so we have a situation which is passive, it’s neutral. It’s just circumstances we have our thoughts that are different for everyone. And then we have feelings, we have emotions. Now, emotions are those typically there like a one word emotion word like fear, anger, sadness, loneliness, hurt, guilt, frustration, confusion, joy, happiness, elation, excitement, pride, love. These are all emotional words.

And you can’t have a feeling you cannot have an emotion without a thought first okay. You cannot have an emotion without a thought about it. Your thoughts are what cause your feelings, okay? So you have a circumstance, you have a situation and then you think a feeling or you think something you think a thought which creates a feeling inside you, okay.

Your thoughts, cause your feelings you cannot experience a feeling, you cannot experience emotions. Without thinking about what the particular situation is you’re in, what that means to you. So you are assigning it meaning and that’s creating a good feeling inside you maybe a neutral feeling or a bad feeling inside you. All of your emotions are created by your thoughts by the thoughts in your head. Okay. So if you get a cramp at mile 18 in the marathon, that is just a fact. Right?

When you think thoughts like I’m a quitter, I’m no good. I suck at running marathons. I can’t do it. I’m a failure. Those thoughts are going to cause you to feel sad, to feel frustrated, to feel unworthy or angry. The leg cramp in itself is not causing your feelings. It’s what you think about the leg cramp that’s causing your feelings, okay? Getting a cramp in your calf does not cause you to feel unworthy. If it does, I mean, that’s crazy. Anybody that got a cramp any time would feel unworthy or angry. Okay.

It’s the meaning that we assigned to these these thoughts, okay? It’s a meaning that we assigned to the situation that cause our feelings inside. Okay? So your thoughts are what cause your feelings. So then anything we say is a problem is actually just a feeling we don’t want to feel. All right.

So a problem is only is an unwanted feeling basically. Okay? So if our thoughts cause us to feel happiness, or excitement or love, you know, we typically don’t label that as a problem, right? You don’t pick up your baby, and look at your baby and feel love, and then want to be rid of those feelings. You don’t want to be like, oh, I don’t want to feel that anymore. No, you want to feel those feelings.

You choose to feel love toward some people, you know that you probably choose to feel hatred towards some people or to feel ambiguous towards some people, you know, you’re choosing all your feelings here, okay, you choose all of them, you create every emotion you feel inside, good or bad with your thoughts. So the problem is only a problem because you don’t like the emotion you’re feeling and you want to feel something different.

Or you don’t want to feel that feeling at all, you want to feel just something different from that feeling you’re feeling right now. So the problem is the unwanted emotions that you’re feeling that you create yourself, by the way.

And here’s the thing that we do, though, so many of us don’t want to feel those unwanted feelings. So we do things like we numb out to those feelings, you know, we want to feel good. So we overeat. Or we drink too much, or we veg out on Netflix. Which, by the way, I love my Netflix and Hulu and HBO. So don’t get on me about that. But I don’t sit all day watching it. You know what I mean?

I’m not using it to feel good. You know, it’s a different situation. Maybe I do use it to feel good, I don’t know. But I’m not watching hours of Netflix at a time, maybe like an hour. I typically watch like one show per night. Anyway, so we do things to numb out like we overeat. We veg out on Netflix, we drink too much, we medicate ourselves.

Even things like over exercising, this is a way of numbing out for some people. Okay? So that you don’t have to feel those unwanted feelings. We do this all the time. It’s a real problem. It’s a problem that causes addiction, you know, the problem when we try to numb out like this is that we’re just covering over the unwanted emotions for a very short amount of time.

They’re still there inside you, okay, those emotions are still there, and you might feel good for a minute. But as soon as the buzz of that numbing wears off, you know, as soon as you you know, when you’re done over eating, and you’re you know, you’re hungry again, or, or when you know, you wake up from, you know, drinking too much the night before, all those feelings are still there, and you’re gonna feel them again, they don’t go away, all you’re doing is just postponing, feeling them. Okay.

Now, oftentimes, you start creating a lot of other unwanted feelings along with that. And then you numb out more, because you don’t want to feel those feelings. And the cycle goes on and on and on. And I know this from firsthand experience, I’ve done it. I used to drink way too much. I don’t anymore. I’ve been sober for almost 13 years now. Because I know what it’s like to just try to numb out and not feel my feelings. Now I’m not afraid to feel my feelings. Honestly, I can sit with feelings today and it’s okay.

But I want you guys to understand this here. So I think this is some crazy amazing stuff. Okay. It’s like seeing the matrix you know? Once you see it once you understand that your thoughts are what is causing you to feel these unwanted feelings. Your thoughts about a situation are causing you to feel those unwanted feelings. Those unwanted feelings are the problem once you understand this. It’s like seeing the matrix, you can never go back to the way things were again.

You know, it’s like having the key to the universe. This unlocks everything for you, anything that you want in your life, anything that you want to experience or feel, or have, you can have, and you can do it. And this is the first way, this is the best way to get started doing it, honestly.

And like I said, we’re going to talk more about this in later episodes. I’m going to talk about how to, you know, change your thinking if you want to, and how to change your behaviors and your actions based on the emotions that you’re feeling. But for now, I just really want you to understand that situations are passive, that your thoughts cause your feelings and your unwanted feelings are what you deem as problems. Okay.

So let me give you a couple of quick examples here. So let’s say you get a flat tire on your way to work, right? That’s a situation, it is a flat tire, done. The thoughts about it, though, are things like, I’m going to be late for work, I’m going to get written up again, I might lose my job, I won’t be able to pay my bills. And then the feelings that those thoughts create are like fear, stress, anxiety, maybe even like shame. Okay?

Now somebody else might have different thoughts about that. So here’s, here’s a different perspective on this, okay, flat tire. This person is like, hey, I got a flat tire. I’ve never changed a tire before. This will be kind of cool. Those feelings might be feelings of excitement, or adventure, or maybe even pay, this will be fun. Same exact situation. But different thoughts about it and different feelings about it.

For one person, it’s a huge problem for another person, it is not a problem at all. In fact, it’s an opportunity for some excitement. Or you know, a little bit of an adventure, let’s change a tire on the side of the highway.

Okay, here’s another situation, I always bonk in the marathon. Okay, or this is what you know is happening right? To some people, they might say like I always bonked in the marathon. Well, the situation might be like, hey, I’ve run five marathons and three times I’ve had to walk around like mile 18 to 20. You know, my time was slower than I expected it to be. I got a cramp in my calf once like that is, those are the facts, okay?

The thoughts might be, you know, I always bonk or I’ll never hit my PR, or I trained so hard. And now it was for nothing. It’s all for nothing. I suck at running the marathon. I hate running. And those feelings that that caused those thoughts would be feelings of like, disappointment, unworthiness, frustration, anger, sadness.

Whereas somebody else might see that same situation and go, okay, you know, I’ve run five marathons and I’ve had to walk three times around mile 18-19, whatever. My time was a little slower than I wanted to be, I got a cramp in my calf. So their thoughts might be, I’m going to figure out this whole cramping thing and figure out why I’m cramping. I am going to adjust my training so that I know I can get through those last, you know, six, eight miles, hey, this might be a fun challenge to figure this whole thing out, you know, look at it as like a little research project.

Either way, it’s no big deal doesn’t mean anything about me. It’s just running after all. And I love running. So the feelings that those thoughts cause that person might be feelings of excitement or determination, maybe even confidence and motivation. Okay. I mean, here’s the thing, if walking at mile 18 of a marathon, causes the feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, and unworthiness, nobody would want to walk.

But there’s people that walk all the time. There’s people that do the whole run/walk thing, you know, they run all all through the whole marathon or walk through the whole marathon. So it’s not the walking that causes the feelings, okay? It’s the way you think about it. Okay. You create all of your problems with your thoughts, all of your problems are created in your head, every single one.

And I know what you’re thinking, you’re like, well, Patrick, what about if somebody just comes up to me, like punches me in the face? Well, first of all, if somebody just walks up to you and punches you in the face, I want to know what your life is like, what is happening in your life, okay? But if somebody walks up and punches you in the face, that punch in the face does not mean you’re going to feel angry, sad and hurt, you know, frustration or whatever.

You know, there’s people that get punched in the face for a living, they’re called boxers, you know, and MMA fighters, whatever, they punch each other all the time, they get punched in the face for living. And they don’t get angry about it. You know, that doesn’t mean anything other than, oh, you know, I got hit, I better like counter with this other punch or whatever.

They even think about that differently. It’s not the punch in the face that causes the feelings, okay? It’s the way you think about it. It’s what it means to you. And you get to choose that this is the thing that’s like, so important is that you get to choose what you’re what you’re thinking, you get to choose your thoughts. Honestly, this is like mind blowing transformational stuff.

Okay, honestly, I hope you think it is too. I hope your like mind is getting blown right now. Mine is, I talk about this all the time. So just a quick summary here. situations, they are always neutral. It’s just it’s just a thing, okay? It’s just a circumstance, it’s passive. Your thoughts about a situation. That’s what causes the feelings that you feel inside.

Feelings, emotions, they’re all caused by your thoughts, okay? Your feelings are not caused by the situation, your feelings are caused by your thoughts, okay? Anything we label a problem is just you experiencing unwanted feelings. That’s it. All of your problems are in your head. You choose what problems you have, you choose what your problems are, every minute of every day. But you love that you are choosing and creating your problems every minute of every day. Okay, so I’m gonna leave you with that.

If you have questions or comments, drop me an email. I’d love to hear from you. I want to hear what your thoughts are on this. I want to hear what your thoughts and feelings are about this. You can drop me an email at hello@innerfiretribe.com. You can find me on Facebook @pmcgilvray, and on Instagram. I would love to hear from you. I want to hear what you think of this topic. I think this is a big one.

And this is just the foundation of the coaching mindset coaching work that I do. And I kind of start with this with all my clients you know, we start talking about how it’s your thoughts that are creating all the problems that you have. And really we break it down from there and everything gets easier from here but getting this concept and understanding these principles is a game changer for sure. Alright guys, that’s all I got for you today. I will talk to you next time.

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